aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
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just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
They’re on their honeymoon
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed