Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
