Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
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Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Every work meeting this week
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.