Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth

I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–

bought wrong eggs

I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”

No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”

~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.

“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”

Haha sure thing kiddo

People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky

6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?

Me:

6: I like it

Me: It’s mistletoe son

No flush

librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh