Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac

Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk

Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.

angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?

god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun