Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

Hank is one in a melon.

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids

People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!

Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder

*feels the music*

Music: “ew. no.”

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow

It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

me: I quit my job as a waiter

wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?

me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops