Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
My neck my back my allergy attack
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?
Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
HR said no more nunchucks.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.