Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
You Might Also Like
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Your honor my client doesn’t like jail
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
This is I, Robot all over again
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.