Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I’m not lazy
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Great game to play with friends
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.