Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

tinder is all about the long game

*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck

Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.

This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.

waiter: how do you want your eggs?

me: yellow

sam: i’m telling you

Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

For those of you wondering why there’s no swim-up bar in the Olympic pool that swimmers can visit mid-race for a pina colada, it’s for financial reasons: given the cost of hiring bar staff and the 8-person limit in the pool, there’s just no way a bar would be financially viable.

Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!

-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.

me: no problem i’ll just wash them.

hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.

There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?

explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*

pickle jar: oh oh