Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
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(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.