Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
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Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?