Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]

My Cinderella story is backward.

I started out a princess.

Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.

Now I scrub the floors.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.

For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.

therapist: what are you afraid of?

me: nothing

therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead