Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter

interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?

me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

There is no “we” in chocolate.

Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

Friend: What are you doing this weekend?

Me: Amusement Pork.

Friend: You mean Amusement Park?

Me: No, I don’t.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

*strums guitar*

This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”

Hope you like it.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.