Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

Friends that check up on you >

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier

[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

“What’s that?”

A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.

*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”

Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.

Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.

Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.