Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
me refusing to leave twitter
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.