Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.