Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
they finally got him. they got macavity
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*
*I will not look in the magnifying mirror*[cries for 20 minutes]