Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today

I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.

doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.

I’m quitting drinking for a year.

*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.

Sorry, punctuation is everything.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”

I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops

50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.

Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

*phone rings*

Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”

Wife: “….”

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

her: and what do you do?

me: I’m a mail escort

postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!