Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.

-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September

Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”

My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”

Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

John: There are places…

Paul: I remember

George: All my life, though…

Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

*first day using my sith power*

“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.

[first day as a self defense teacher]

Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?

Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up

So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

(more comics:

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?

[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-

Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.

Me: Let me see it…

*eats half and hands it back*

…wish granted.