Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.

I hope it was worth it.

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.

Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.

Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.

I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Her: Talk dirty to me

Me: I’m not good at it

Her: omg just do it!

Me: You’re a bad girl

Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?

Me: Substandard

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

dr: what happened here

me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him

dr: why

me: wasn’t his birthday I guess

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone

Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park

John Hammond:

Me:

John Hammond:

Me: I need to hear you to say it, John

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.