Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
You Might Also Like
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
When libraries troll their patrons.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.