Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy

saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert

Scariest things in the world:

1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?

Me: can I go?

Boss: of course.

Me: [goes home]

[god creating jellyfish]

how bout an evil bag

Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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Dating Profile:

List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.

You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!

Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.