Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
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My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
They’re on their honeymoon
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him