Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Living the best life.. 😊
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
The Compass
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
