Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
You Might Also Like
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
not for long
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”