Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
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If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.