Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
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I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Me (who lives alone): ok who ate all the almond butter
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”