Archaeologists now believe our ancestors simply hated dusting
You Might Also Like
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Lmao
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
went fishing caught a bass
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”