Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

The walk of shame:

When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time