Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…

Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.

when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

Beware of the “party goblin”…

Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today

My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*