Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
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GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.