archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Brands during Pride
My job applications are getting rejections even before anyone interviews me so, instead of my resume I’m just going to submit a list of my greatest tweets and list my reply guys as references
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
What they say: a glass of wine won’t fix your problems
What I hear: better have the whole bottle then
Cardio Made Easy
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
