archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
im a single issue voter and this is my issue
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Proctology is located in A55
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
The future is now.
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
