archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
