archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
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No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.