Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
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It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
when you are just born a rebel
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
This rocks
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
An odd boast
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary