Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
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My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
When he said they’re giving migrants sex changes I nearly spit out my dog
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
The median voter
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Man these end times are taking forever
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.