Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
You Might Also Like
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
typical orange cat and void cat behavior
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE