Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.

Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful

It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.