archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
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Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.