archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
You Might Also Like
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
OH. COME. ON.
Natural selection at its finest
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
