Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.

Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.

me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.

3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

Wife: ugh I feel fat

Me: please take your hands off me

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

therapist: so, how are you feeling?

me: i’m feeling ok

therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

*serious situation*

My brain:

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

[House Hunters]:

Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars

[On a first date]

Her: So, what’s your favorite food?

Me: Bacon

Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?

Me: Bacon

Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?

Me: Bakin’

Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?

Me: I bring home the…

Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

“You should cook it like this more often.”

Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.

🐴