Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.

Me: How do we do that?

4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”

I might be raising Elmer Fudd.

Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.

One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

Me: *finishes up dinner date*

Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful

Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

Me too

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

*vows*

Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*

BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move