Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
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No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
lol
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!