Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.

Me: Do they hurt your feet?

5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*replaces battery*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*takes battery back out*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER

Smoke Detector:

Me:

Smoke Detector: CHIRP

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.

In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip