Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
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yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Searching for people who think “cologne” is spelled “colony”, is my favourite thing to do
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
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Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
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SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.