Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

i think only bears should have the right to bear arms

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan

My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating

Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply

Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that

Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg

I like long walks away from everyone

“no gods no masters” = leo

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid