Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
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2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.