My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?
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Once, just once, I’d like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Patient: “How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: “Ten.” Patient: “Ten what?” Doctor: “Nine…”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks