@TheMichaelRock

Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?

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@gerryhatric

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

@MrsFancyPants77

Once, just once, I’d like to be able to use the word skedaddling in an everyday conversation.

@SortaBad

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

@kathay1973

I came to the library to find some answers but leave with only questions…

@bridger_w

Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields

@JazminsThoughts

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

@max_pad21

Patient: “How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: “Ten.” Patient: “Ten what?” Doctor: “Nine…”

@isabelzawtun

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

@PleaseBeGneiss

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks