Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Rather alarming headline…
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?