Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
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Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves