Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?

Me: absolutely tell me what it is –

8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it

Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school

8: please? There’s only like three or four!

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?

The midwife: 😐

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk