Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They:’What doesn’t kill you..’

Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Ken is short for chicken

Wife: Rock the baby.

Me: *plugs in amp*

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

Friday night party time 🥳

The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.

Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

*in a job interview*

No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker

[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]

Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.

“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.

“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.