Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there

me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

Still writing HBO Max on my checks

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

Intelligence is the new cleavage

The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

what the hell girl, sure

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

Pro tip for my good boys out there

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

Me: *dies*

My kids: *taking out Ouija board*

H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.