Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
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In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
woke up on the wrong side of the jed today
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
How long do you have to wait between naps?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
#parenting
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket