Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.

Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

Relationship status:

I’ve put my ear hair in braids.

Get at me.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?