“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
You Might Also Like
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants