Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
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Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
🤝
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see