Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?

Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

Plant care tips

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.

I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.

🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

[2287 AD]

Omg: dad, where did our names come from?

Karen: the algorithm, son

Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm

Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*

i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.

Me: What does that even mea—

My mother: You have a low forehead.

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”

If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.

Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.

nobody’s gonna understand

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.