Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

This staff meeting could have been a haiku.

sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.

Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”

The Lord: “You still have that?”

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

[inventing potato chips]

CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?

Inventor: in a sturdy box

CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag

Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!

CEO: fill the bag with air

Inventor:

CEO: really strong air

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

Whoever came up with the name parking garage really nailed it.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.

why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs