Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

person: nice cheese

inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets

“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”

My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars

Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

flight attendant: would you like two peanuts

me: please

fa: thimble of soda

me: ok

fa: move your seat back 1/8″

me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury

The human body is 70% water and 30% land

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

British people this week:

“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.