Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

me, to my wife: calm down and smile more

Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’

“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game

Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*

*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.

AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes

or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess

I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

😂

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

thanksgiving in nutshell

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?

DAD: Wouldn’t be fair

SON: Why not?

DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

My 7 year old: *staring at my face*

Me: What is it, sweetie?

My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?

Kids are delightful.

My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.

Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah

Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful