Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
You Might Also Like
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I know i asked for constructive criticism, but what I actually wanted was for you to tell me I’m extremely hilarious, and also handsome. Sorry if that was unclear.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*