Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.

Staying with my parents, pt. 17:

Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.

Mom: …

Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?

Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…

Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home

A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

DOG 911: what’s ur emer-

DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME

DOG 911: can you bite it?

DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong

Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.

Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.

Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit

Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.

There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

I am thick and tired. 🙄

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*