Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
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Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.