Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
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What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.