Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
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If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
I am so honored to have won the “Workplace Menace” award. This award is given annually to the Workplace Menace. Also I am not employed here
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!