Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
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Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics