Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
Planet of the Apps.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here