Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
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Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.