Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My wife has the worst taste in men.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
What?
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.